A Thousand Years
by TheNarator
Summary: A thousand years can change a man. Arthur has returned, but is Merlin willing to try again? - Reincarnation in the modern day, not much set-up, getting right to the good stuff. The fix fic for all your finale feels.


It doesn't take more than a few seconds for Merlin's hair to be plastered to his head, making his ears stick out all the more and his wet clothes cling to his thin, underfed frame. He's walking briskly, but Arthur is running, and it doesn't take Arthur more than a minute to catch up. Merlin picks up speed when he hears Arthur's splashy footfalls on the wet concrete outside the dormitory, but Arthur grabs his wrist and he freezes.

For a moment they just stand there, two boys, bound and broken and getting rained on.

"Come inside," Arthur says.

Merlin begins to tug fruitlessly at Arthur's death grip on his wrist. He half turns, eyes downcast, to pry at Arthur's fingers with his other hand, but it's no good. Arthur is too strong, and he won't use magic to free himself. Not against Arthur.

"Merlin, just come inside," Arthur demands.

Merlin lets out a whimper, half whine and half sob, and Arthur knows that if it wasn't for the rain he would be able to see tears running down Merlin's face. Arthur's had enough though, it's raining and they're going to get sick, so he tugs at Merlin's arm and Merlin falls against him. He wraps his arm around Merlin's shoulders and pulls him to his side, not releasing his wrist as he half steers, half drags Merlin back into his dorm.

"Sit down," he commands once they're inside, and when Merlin doesn't move Arthur pushes him down onto the sofa. Merlin looks like a drowned rat, wet and shivering, and Arthur doesn't want to leave him there alone for fear he might bolt again, but he needs to dry them both off before they catch ill.

He fetches two towels, returns already drying his hair, and is relieved to find Merlin still sitting there, despite the vacant, lifeless look in his eyes. Those eyes make Arthur feel empty inside, so he doesn't look at them as he towels Merlin off. Merlin doesn't move at all as Arthur dries his hair and takes his jacket. Arthur doesn't dare take any more of Merlin's clothes, but thankfully they weren't out long enough for too much water to soak through to his shirt.

"There, now you're all dry," Arthur says, failing miserably to sound cheerful about it. "I'm sure I have a change of clothes that would fit you, if you want-"

"I have to go," says Merlin abruptly.

"What? No!" Arthur exclaims, clamping down on Merlin's wrist again and pulling him back down onto the couch. "What are you thinking, it's raining outside. I just dried you off, idiot."

"I'm not doing this Arthur," says Merlin flatly.

"What, staying dry?" Arthur demands, desperate not to acknowledge what Merlin is trying to do. "You'll catch your death."

Merlin looks up at him then, and his eyes are hard and cold and they cut Arthur down like blades. "It can't be any worse than what you're planning for me," he spits, venomous and scared.

Arthur kneels down, so that he's looking up into Merlin's face. Alright, if he has to he can do this now. If it will make Merlin stay he can do this now.

"Listen, Merlin-"

"No Arthur you listen," Merlin cuts him off. "I can't do this again. I can't go through this again."

Arthur swallows his pain. This is about Merlin, not him. "Look, I know you hate me, but that's no reason to-"

"I don't hate you, dollop-head," Merlin interrupts, softer this time. "But I can't . . . I can't love you again. I can't love you again just to lose you."

Arthur reaches up and pushes the still damp fringe out of Merlin's eyes, holding his gaze and refusing to let it go. "I'm right here Merlin," he forces a smile, tries to make a joke. "Not going anywhere."

"Don't be dense," Merlin scoffs. "You think you'll have a choice?"

"You always have a choice," Arthur echoes himself, the words overused and hollow.

But Merlin doesn't scoff this time, doesn't mock Arthur for his platitude. Instead he growls in frustration, hands going up to tug at his own hair. "No you don't, Arthur!" he shouts. "Gods, you don't even get it do you? You don't even get what I've been through!"

"It's the past, Merlin," Arthur soothes him, tries to soothe him. "This is the future I'm talking about. I'm here. We're together. It doesn't have to be like it was back then."

"You don't understand!" Merlin howls. "You stupid Prat! That's exactly what you said last time! 'Someday things will be different.' I've heard this all before. But it's lies, Arthur. It's all lies. You don't mean to tell them but you do. None of it is real. There is no light at the end of the tunnel. There is no Golden Age."

"That's not true!" Arthur pleads. "We know what happened last time, now. Forewarned is forearmed-"

"No!" It's a scream this time, and Merlin's tugging at his own hair and it looks painful. Arthur reaches up, grabs Merlin's wrists, so thin and fragile and delicate in his strong hands. Merlin struggles, thrashing in Arthur's hold, but he was _hurting_ himself damn it, and Arthur's not supposed to let him be hurt. He forces Merlin's hands down into his lap, and Merlin squirms another minute before giving up. Tears are running down his face and Arthur wants to lick them away, wants to drink Merlin dry until he's nothing but empty space for Arthur to fill up with love and trust and happiness.

"I was warned last time too, Arthur," he whispers, eyes down, voice choked by tears. "There was a prophesy . . . all these visions. It didn't change anything."

Arthur shifts his grip so he's clasping Merlin's hands. He waits, forcing himself to be patient, rubbing Merlin's knuckles gently until he looks up into Arthur's face. "I'm here, Merlin," he breathes. "What else can I give you? We can't change what happened last time but we can decide what happens now."

"I know, Arthur," he says firmly, and his eyes plead with Arthur to understand. "And I've decided. I can't stay here like this-"

"You can't leave!" Arthur protests loudly, hands shooting up to grip Merlin's shoulders reflexively.

"I can't stay here!" Merlin shouts, arms flying up to knock Arthur's hands away so suddenly that it actually works, that Arthur actually lets him go. They sit there staring at each other for a long moment, both breathing hard. Once Merlin has his breath back though his eyes start to soften. Arthur hopes his are getting softer too, but he's fighting so hard not to cry that he can't tell.

Merlin holds his gaze, and there's that pleading look again, eyes begging him to understand something he knows Arthur won't accept. "You rob me of myself, Arthur," he whispers. "Too much time with you and I forget who I am, become just this _thing_ that belongs only to you. If I stay with you, Arthur, I lose myself again, and then when you die I lose everything. I can't lose you again Arthur. I don't have it in me. I can't take your abuse for another decade, waiting around for you, living on hope just to _watch you die!"_

"But it won't be like that this time!" Arthur argues, and dear Gods above if he could just make Merlin _understand,_ if he could make him _see_ that things are _different_ this time. "I'm _here,_ Merlin! Don't you get what that means? It won't be ten years of waiting, it'll be ten years of _us!"_

"And then centuries alone!" Merlin counters. "I waited for a thousand years by that lake Arthur. I watched everyone I loved die, and waited there alone. I spent a thousand years waiting for your return."

There's a lump in Arthur's throat that won't go down. He knows he can never make up for this. He'll never be able to understand what Merlin went through. He'd been asleep the whole time, but Merlin, brave, loyal, wonderful Merlin, had felt every single second pass. There's nothing he can do to repay Merlin for that vigil, nothing he can do to reverse the damage done.

"Why did you give up?" he asks quietly, chokes on the words he knows he has no right to speak. "Obviously you were reborn. Why did you let yourself die?"

"I felt you waking up," Merlin replies. He doesn't look down. He is not guilty, or remorseful. He looks Arthur in the eye, wants him to face this answer. "I realized that you would come back to me, but that just like all the other times it wouldn't last. I would fail, and you would leave. I realized I just couldn't do it all over again."

"Merlin-"

"No," Merlin deadpans, and his tone is final. "I can't stay here. Even if it's like you say, if it's ten year of peace and happiness and joy I _still lose you_. I can't enjoy that life knowing that it will end this way. There's nothing for me here."

Merlin stands, forces his way past Arthur while he's still stunned and aching. Merlin is walking away and Arthur is trembling on the floor, reeling from the knowledge that Merlin is leaving. He's got his hand on the doorknob now, he's walking out of Arthur's life for good, and Arthur doesn't know how to change his mind, doesn't know what to say.

And then he does.

Arthur's hand slams against the door above Merlin's head, forcing it shut with a bang. "No, that's stupid," he says.

"What?" Merlin demands, turning to look at him, incredulous and angry despite the fact that Arthur has him practically pinned to the door.

"That's the dumbest logic I've ever heard," Arthur snarls. "You know your life will end, so you can't enjoy it while it lasts? Listen to yourself! Everybody dies Merlin, but that doesn't stop them from living!"

"It's not the same!" Merlin yells.

"It's exactly the same!" Arthur snaps, every bit as loud as Merlin. "What's your plan then? Wander the world, miserable and alone without me? You won't forget me, Merlin. You'll still live with that pain, the pain of being without me. There's no one else for you Merlin, just like there's no one else for me." He leans in close, voice softer now. "I have nothing without you."

Merlin gives a small, bitter laugh. "You have Gwen."

"Don't be stupid," Arthur scoffs, "she was never mine. She always belong to Lancelot, but we all travel from life to life in the same group. We loved each other, yes, but only as much as any other two of our people. She needed a way out of the serving class, I needed a Queen, it was convenient. You're my _soulmate_ Merlin. She was never a substitute for you."

Merlin looks down, and Arthur's heart goes feather light because _**there it is**_. That look. The one he's been waiting for. The one that's vulnerable and soft and sad and perfect because it means he's close. He's almost there, he's almost won, they're almost together on this. Merlin just needs to know one more thing.

"Arthur, you can't . . ." Merlin trails off. He looks lost and Arthur wants to crow with delight because Merlin might be lost, but Arthur has found him. He moves in, just a little closer, until their bodies are pressed together. He slides his hands, slow and careful, along Merlin's hips, caressing the small of his back, pulling him into Arthur's comforting embrace. He touches his forehead to Merlin's and whispers, so that his words land soft and breathy on Merlin's lips.

"You and I are alone without each other. Yes, you'll be alone when I die, but if you push me away then guess what? You're still alone. Maybe we won't bring about the Golden Age, maybe we'll just have a year or two and then it's back to Avalon for me and another thousand years of waiting for you. But it's the same story with or without that year together. We might as well have it, if it's all we get."

Merlin's shaking against him, but Arthur just holds him tighter, knowing that if he's still and strong eventually the trembling will stop.

Merlin squeezes his eyes shut, rubbing his forehead against Arthur's. "This is gonna hurt," he whines. "This is gonna hurt so bad."

"Maybe," Arthur concedes, but he's smiling now. "Then again, maybe it won't. Maybe this time we bring about that Golden Age. Your prophesy was right, it just took a little longer than you thought."

Merlin laughs, but its not bitter this time. "A thousand years is not a little longer, Arthur."

"And how many lifetimes did we live before that one?" Arthur counters. "Who knows how long we've been trying. So can we just try? Say it's not a sure thing and just . . . just give it a shot?"

"We can't just pick up where we left off, Arthur," Merlin insists.

"No, but we can start over. Start from the beginning, as we are now. Morgana with Mordred, Gwen with Lance, you with me."

He leans in close, lips ghosting over Merlin's, both their eyes closed. "Are you with me, Merlin?"

He lets Merlin initiate it, doesn't start until Merlin closes the gap between them. He's still a moment, just feeling the softness of Merlin's lips, then begins to work them over with the kind of care it takes a lifetime to perfect. He starts with soft nibbles, mouthing gently at Merlin's full bottom lip. Then he nips, just a hint of teeth, and Merlin gasps. Arthur doesn't wait, just dives in to claim a taste of something he's wanted since that very first day, since he first laid eyes on Merlin, since he first started to remember. He takes his time, carefully exploring, unhurried, until Merlin begins to shake.

It takes Merlin a moment to get his breath back, for his eyes to lose that dazed, glassy look of someone lost in pleasure. "I waited a thousand years for that kiss," he says once he can speak.

"A millennium's wait, huh?" Arthur's smirking, and it's prattish and unattractive and he doesn't care, he just kissed the world's greatest wizard out of his senses and he's feeling pretty good about himself.

"Give or take a lifetime," Merlin laughs, _laughs,_ and his hands slide up Arthur's chest to cup the back of his neck, playing with the short, fine hairs there.

"Worth it?" Arthur asks playfully.

Merlin smiles. A real smile, genuine and bright and happy, really happy, for the first time in much too long for Arthur's taste. "I don't know," he shrugs. "I bet we could get better with practice."

Arthur presses his forehead against Merlin's again, breathing in his scent, drinking in his warmth, wanting to do everything at once and at the same time nothing more than to freeze this moment and hold Merlin like this forever.

"I think we've got time for that."


End file.
